Hating Durmstrang ... and the boys too??

Last weekend (or a little earlier -- maybe 8 or 9 days ago at this point), Wife had a tantrum in which she decided that she hates Durmstrang.  I suspect deep down this is because she sees Durmstrang as having taken Son 2 away from her; but it is also because the values of the school are so different from hers that she knows she herself would be miserable there. 

I had better back up and explain that Durmstrang very much emphasizes the simple life, and perhaps ends up taking it to an extreme. The good side is that graduates, by the time they are done, have had four years learning self-reliance, independence, and a measure of detachment from the crazier parts of popular culture along with a normal high school curriculum. When I think of the place in those terms, it doesn't take much for me to get all Thoreau-and-Emerson about it; I even think of it rather fitting into the mold of the ancient philosophical schools (e.g., the Stoics or Epicureans), although I realize that sounds a bit far-fetched for a high school. But in any event it is a very different way of life from the frantic and compulsive accumulation of things that is so desperately, graspingly, pathetically central to Wife's whole worldview. I suppose it was only a matter of time before she snapped. (In particular, she has started to compare it to those schools for truant or rebellious youth advertised in the back pages of Sunset Magazine.) 

What set her off was a letter from Durmstrang welcoming us (as new parents) to the school year, cheerfully talking about some upcoming events, and reminding us not to send the kids things that don’t really work there: sugary snacks, soda or caffeinated drinks, plastic water bottles. Wife was livid.  “I can’t even send him CARE packages! They have ruled out every single thing I could imagine sending him, which means they are deliberately isolating me by cutting off all possible contact with MY son!” Nor did she appreciate, or approve of, the remark that introduced the next to last paragraph: “[Our founder] said that Durmstrang is a simple life school where ‘one learns to get on without.’”

The answers to this outburst were all pretty obvious (at least to me) and for the most part I left them unsaid. 

• Gosh, is your imagination so limited that you can't think of anything else to send him? Books, music, even home-baked goodies that aren't icky sweet ... none of these occurred to you?
• How clever of you to have figured out that they put these restrictions in place -- not to benefit the students or to align the parents with the school's mission -- but specifically to isolate you personally from your son!
• And what exactly is wrong with learning to get on without? Sure, maybe it's nice not to have to get on without, but if you at least know how then you are more capable, more flexible, able to deal with a wider variety of situations when life throws unpredictable shit at you. And this is bad ... how?

No, I didn't say any of that.  I did try to soften the picture by suggesting that Son 2 was happy there -- by pointing out, in fact, that Son 2 had enough chances to view the place before accepting their offer (and is perceptive enough in general) that he probably knew exactly what he was getting into, that he went there eagerly and with his eyes open, and that the very few and very brief communications we have gotten from him since suggest he is perfectly content.  Isn't that a good sign? Wife’s reply, though, was to say bitterly “Well I guess he and I weren’t as close as I always thought we were” and then to damn him for it. 

I was actually shocked. Honestly it sounded like she was talking about bitter enemies whom she deeply hated, despised, and resented; not the two boys whom she says she loves so much that they are the most important parts of her life.  She blasted Son 2 for "rejecting all of her values"; she excoriated Son 1 (who is going to a different school, remember) for not being a scholar, for taking a relaxed attitude towards his studies, for being strong and physical and athletic ... I almost expected her to call him a "dumb jock".  (He's not at all dumb, mind you, but that's the kind of mood she was in.)  And she blasted them both for -- in her eyes -- expecting a "free ride" in life.  Huh??  Where did that come from?  Hey Babe, is this all because we are spending money on their tuition instead of buying you some fancy clothes or more shoes?  [No, I didn't say it.]  But you've heard all about her tantrums before, so I don't need to go on.  Suffice it to say that everything was hateful to her.  Everything was caricatured in the worst possible colors.  She hasn't been this bad in a long time; maybe it's the stress of the impending divorce.

Interestingly, it’s also not the first time I have heard this kind of hatred for one’s children.  Wife's mother said much the same kinds of things about Wife being wrenched away from her – or rather "betraying" her -- by going to college.  (Wife was the first in her family to do so.)  It probably goes without saying that Wife hates being compared to her mother.  She has made it a point of pride and self-definition for years not to be the same kind of parent her mother was.  But I remember listening to her mother's tirades just before our wedding, when she would howl at me because nobody else was nice enough to sit still and listen to her.  And it was all the same stuff.  I wonder if I should tell Wife that, or just let it go?

To be strictly fair, of course this isn't her only view.  When she is in a better frame of mind, of course she still loves the boys as well as she can love anyone.  But it made for a long evening that night ....