"Just checking in"

Lawyer called me at work this afternoon -- "just checking in after our meeting on Monday" -- and we talked for half an hour.  I can't remember the whole conversation, but here are some bits and bobs as I remember them.

__________


"How was the drive home?"

"By turns she was angry, weepy, and very cold."

"You know, I met her in the restroom after you two left my office and we talked for a minute. She apologized for how hostile she had been in my office but said that this whole thing had really taken her by surprise."

"Yes, and I think underlying it all she is very deeply afraid."

__________


"You know, part of what I sensed from her when I met her is that she has a lot of anger at the world bottled up inside."

__________


"Has she made any moves toward getting a lawyer yet?"

"Not that I know of, but of course it's only been a day."

"Do you think she will?"

"I hope she will!"

"Well of course she should. I can't pretend to be impartial."

"It's not just that. You know, a lot of people say 'I'm gonna get a lawyer' like it's a threat (no offense). But I look forward to her getting a lawyer because he'll be focussed on dealing with reality. I think a lot of the things she wants are inconsistent with each other, and others are totally unobtainable. But a lawyer will approach the whole thing with no personal sentiment involved, and will figure out what can be done in the real world. Her lawyer can get on the phone with you and the two of you will have no emotional baggage in the way of working out the best deal for her and me. And she needs somebody who can tell her, 'This is what you can get, but you can't get that' ... I mean, somebody that is on her side, somebody besides you or me."

"I agree."

__________


"Tell me about the house. You said you wanted her to have the house, but she said it needs all these repairs. What's that about?"

"Well I think she overstated it. Yes, there is a lot of maintenance we have kind of deferred; but it's not falling down around our ears. [And I listed some of it.]"

"And it sounded to me like she was saying she's not interested in the house unless all that is fixed. Do you think that's right?"

"I think she's of two minds, and this is one of the places where she is inconsistent. In your office she was trying to be financially shrewd, and was saying that a house with all these needed repairs isn't much of an investment. But suppose you turn around and suggest she move out -- then my God, you'd think the world was coming to an end. She's also convinced she can't move out, because she has all this furniture and all this junk she has inherited from her parents and grandparents and great-aunts and so on, and it completely immobilizes her. So she doesn't want the house in the shape it's in, and she also doesn't want to leave."

"I see."

"I was thinking about it last night and realized there are basically three possibilities. Case One is that by some miracle she can afford the house and the repairs all by herself. Case Two is where she can afford the house by herself but not the repairs. And Case Three is where she can't afford anything. Now Cases One and Three are easy: in One she stays and in Three she leaves. But what about Two? Part of her -- the part that was talking in your office -- wants to say that in Case Two she leaves. But I guarantee that emotionally she can't bring herself to do that, which means really she wants to stay and for somebody else to pay for it all. So what can we do in that case? Well, I figure part of my job is to help her to see that just because she can't afford something today doesn't mean she'll never afford it. I could imagine that we end up with a divorce settlement that says something like, 'The following repairs are so critical that Hosea has to pony up and pay for them right away: list, list, list. And for the rest, we'll add on X dollars to the agreed support number for her to squirrel away in a savings account so that she can save up to do the rest later.' I wouldn't be opposed to something like that. We'd have to negotiate the details."

__________


"She also said something about the boys. Your plan gave you 77% custody and her 23%. But she said the boys would want the split to be 50-50. Do you think that's true?"

"I have no idea. Maybe yes, maybe no."

"So the fact that she said it ...."

"Tells us only that that is what she wants to believe. But there have been plenty of times in the past when we have been arguing and she has tried to score points by telling me, 'The boys both agree with me!' Then when I have followed up and asked them, they've asked, 'What??' "

"I see."

"Maybe they'd like 50-50 because they think it's fair, and because our fights with each other aren't their fights. Maybe they'd choose to be with her all the time because they think she needs someone to look after her."

"You make it sound like they parent her."

"They do. They also tune her out more easily than they do me, so they might like that aspect of it. Or they might choose to spend more time with me because they are tired of dealing with her. I really don't know ... it could be any of those. We'd have to ask them."

"How old are they?"

"Fourteen and sixteen."

"So they are old enough that the Court will care about their opinion."

__________


"You remember she asked me why you wanted so much custody, and I just alluded that you'd said she had some health issues."

"Right."

"Do you really think she doesn't understand?"

"She is totally oblivious to any of the other reasons I think she shouldn't have custody."  [Like this and this, for starters.]

"That's what I thought."

__________


"Hosea, there's one other thing I picked up by talking with her. She really wants to keep the status quo."

"Yes and no. When I talk to her about our marriage, she'll insist that she wants to stay with me and then she'll spend half an hour listing things she hates about me. I try to tell her she'll be happier without me, too. But I think she is terrified of change and of the unknown."

"Right, that's what I see. And that means she is going to delay this process as long as possible. You need to keep an eye on it, Hosea, and be prepared to move it along, or else a year from now you'll be right where you are today."

"That's good advice and I hadn't thought of it. Thank you."