I'm having trouble understanding what kind of a sex life Wife wants between us -- if any. To say that her signals are mixed is to say the very best.
Only a week ago (!) she wrote to Boyfriend 4 that "Life goes on.... but I wouldn't say we have a normal married life. I have started giving into [Hosea] and sleeping with him again, which has made him less angry with me, but hasn't made me any happier. It buys a certain amount of peace, though, and so it's worth it. I could tell you how it makes me feel about myself, but you can probably guess. Welcome to my world."
What is interesting about this is that I have made a point of not suggesting sex for months now. Some time last spring she insisted vehemently -- nay, furiously -- that I leave her completely alone from now on (or at least for the forseeable future), because she was finding herself totally incapable of orgasm either with me or alone and the whole experience just frustrated her. I asked, "Sometimes you enjoy fucking even without orgasm; how will I know when one of those times comes around?" Her answer: "I'll tell you!" Slam.
Since that day -- and as I say, it was some time last spring -- I have scrupulously avoided suggesting sex with her. For the most part I have tried to avoid even mentioning sex. Has it been great? No, of course not. Have I had to make up the difference by myself? Well, that is the logical alternative. But I figure I've lived through worse, so what's the use bitching about it? I must admit, though, ... with this background ... that it puzzles me a little when I hear her say she has been "giving in" to me. Huh? "Giving in" ... to what, exactly? And when? Since I haven't asked for months ...?
It is true that we have fucked a few times since that blow-up, but I have been careful to make sure that every single time it has been at her instigation. Then two nights ago, she did more than surreptitiously start caressing me (which is her usual way to initiate fucking). Once I had tucked the boys into bed and turned out their light, she said "So the boys are both asleep. How about closing and locking our bedroom door?"
You have to understand that Wife has an almost Victorian prudishness when it comes to talking about sex, even though she is rather less prudish when it comes to actual fucking. (And in fact the situation is even more complex than that, as I discuss here.) For her, a suggestion that I lock our door -- expressed in plain English -- is about as brazen, as wanton an invitation as she is likely to make. And I did, and we fucked. She didn't orgasm, but she gave every indication of enjoying herself all the same.
And last night -- one night later -- it was the same thing.
But remember, this is less than a week since she told Boyfriend 4 that she was "giving in" to me in order to keep the peace, to keep me from getting angry. Less than a week since she told Boyfriend 4, in all but these words, that sex with me made her feel cheap and slatternly, but she did it as some kind of commercial transaction to buy a better life in our home.
Less than a week. And in that time her attitude seems to have changed so far that I could almost wonder if it were the same woman, if I didn't already know better.
How is this possible? What can it mean? I wish I knew.
The Century of the Other
22 hours ago
5 comments:
Dear Hosea,
Hard to tell what it means. Fucking you at her initiation, would seem to be a postive sign.
Sometimes I found when I was separated that I just had to enjoy whatever positive came whenever and for whatever reason- and in my case it wasn't sex. Just kept reminding myself that the more positive interactions that happened, the better.
She probably doesn't know either. I don't lie about my feelings about my husband to my lover, but he doesn't get the whole truth either. I'm not even sure what the whole truth is myself.
Who am i -- Yes, to some extent I do exactly that. When some unexpectedly good interaction drops into my lap, I enjoy it, I am thankful for it as an unearned grace (even if only a small one), and I go on. But it niggles at me when I can't understand something, or when I think I am being made a chump. That's why I have told Wife repeatedly that even her affairs don't bother me as much as when she lies about her affairs. And the disjunction here makes me feel a little chump-like. But it may not be that at all.
Chatelet -- Thank you for saying this! Because now that you say it, I think you are very probably right ... but it didn't occur to me before, or at any rate not clearly enough that I could get a hold of it. But it would fit with other times over the years when I have seen her come down adamantly on both sides of an issue because she wasn't really sure how she felt. (Try asking her on two consecutive days whether she loved her mother.)
In that case, I can face down the fear of being played for a chump, which in turn lets me be more loving and less afraid. All of these are good things.
Do you have a profile or website somewhere? Your name doesn't show an active link of some kind, so I wondered ....
I have to guess you found this tidbit on her blog. The trouble is that she could write it for the sake of complaining – but not really mean it. Obviously, this simply doesn’t add up. Maybe future blog posts will give you more answers.
Unbroken -- Yes, naturally that is exactly what I hope. It's possible that many of her posts will express no more than the reality she normally tells herself, and on the whole I hear a lot of that already. But there is always the chance I could be surprised ....
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