Questionnaire 5

I'm on the phone on hold, so maybe I can sneak a few minutes to pound out another one of these quick posts.

Are you lonely and isolated? Do you feel like an outsider in the midst of a crowd?

I suppose there's no way I can answer "No" to this one after posting this piece here.  But maybe I can clarify just a bit.

Is there anybody with whom I feel I can share the stuff that goes on in my head?  You lot, of course, but most of you probably aren't there any more and in any event it is kind of a one-sided relationship.  But on the whole there aren't a lot of other people.

On the other hand, I haven't found myself feeling lonely, per se ... at least not lately.  I'm not sure why not.

Partly I find when the boys are staying with me that we can make jokes nobody else would get.  They comment on this too.  And there is something heartening in that.

Partly also I'm not as reluctant as I used to be to discuss what I'm going through emotionally.  Not with everybody, of course.  Not with co-workers.  And not all the time.  But if some topic comes up in sangha, say, that relates to my experiences with Wife or with my Father, I no longer feel like I am forbidden to speak of them.  I try to abbreviate so that I don't dominate the conversation, but at least something can come out.  And remarkably enough -- or rather, predictably enough -- other people's experiences are very similar.  Not in all the details, of course: as Jane once commented almost six years ago now [six years! where does the time go?], every marriage has its problems but ours may have been a bit of an outlier.  But what I mean is that at some level I can relate to other people's troubles and they to mine.

Or maybe I've just been busy?  Except that I'm not always ... and there are certainly times when I've got lots to do that I'd much rather sit and loaf.  And yet feelings of loneliness don't consume me when I do.

Aha, I've got it.  It must be the antidepressants.  When in doubt, go for a chemical explanation.

Seriously, though, I guess the answer is "Kind of."  Do I feel like an outsider?  Sure.  Always have.  But do I feel connectionless?  Not so much.  I wonder if that answers the question ...?