It's Wednesday night (this won't post till Thursday some time) and I am tired and stressed. The boys have been here with me since last Thursday evening, Son 2 goes back to Wife's place two nights from now (Friday), Son 1 stays over one more night until Saturday morning so he can go to a friend's birthday party … and I can't wait for them to be gone. The thing is, I have no idea why.
It has been building, I guess. Over the weekend it was fine … actually what the hell did we even do over the weekend? I can't remember. Saturday I cleaned the apartment some. Sunday I did laundry and cooked. I think I took a nap. But I can't remember what else.
When they first got back here, we talked in the evenings. Then for two or three evenings I read to them. (Yes, they are teenagers but they still enjoy being read to.) Last night they listened to music on their respective computers while I just sat in my room and flipped idly through a book I wasn't reading and stared. This evening I haven't even made dinner yet. (None of us is terribly hungry just at the moment.)
But I don't know what this is about. Am I tired? The sun is still up. And work wasn't especially hard today. Am I worn down by petty irritations? There are those, of course, but they are pretty petty. I could take up time telling stories about them, but even I find it hard to take them seriously.
Do I need exercise? If they weren't here, I would have gone to Sangha last night – but I don't go when I have them to come home to – and the gym is on the way. I might have gotten a (rare) round of exercise in. Or maybe I miss going to Sangha. Maybe I need to make a point of keeping to my routines even when they are here, rather than letting them change everything around. My impulse is to treat them like honored guests, but maybe I should treat them more like … err, … family.
I feel like I want a drink. Does that mean actually I'm sleepy instead? I'm not sure … maybe tired, maybe stressed. Or anxious … possibly that's more accurate. I don't think I'm sleepy. I lay down a few minutes ago as if to take a nap; and while I enjoyed taking myself offline, I didn't fall asleep or even doze.
Why am I anxious? Let's sort through some possible reasons. Starting at one extreme … do I expect any harm from them? No, of course not. Does it tire me out to have to know what to say when we talk? Maybe that's closer … and it's true that I worry about whether I'm saying the right thing or being the right person. I care what they think about me and feel for me, and I worry if I'm not good enough. So is it that I'm tired of expending the effort to have to be somebody in particular, in this case to be Dad? Ummm, … maybe, but that sounds kind of abstract. It sounds like I'm looking for a hi-falutin' sounding excuse for how I feel, when how I feel isn't anything at all high or grand. It's low and tense and sort of grotty.
Maybe I'm just hungry. Maybe I should make dinner.
I'd like a drink, but these days I'm kind of trying not to do that. Or at any rate not while they're here. That's the other reason I can't wait for them to be gone – because then I'll let myself have a drink. I only hope that by then I won't feel I need one.
__________
P.S. (added the next day): Hunger seems to have had something to do with it. I felt better after dinner. Something else to try when I feel like I want a drink. But I do also feel like I want my peace-and-quiet back. Funny how once upon a time I was worried that living alone would make me feel lonely, and so far that seems to be the least of my problems.
Also ... the next time I tell you that all my anxiety seems to have gone away miraculously, it will pay you to wait a week and then check back in with me to see if I'm still saying the same thing.
P.S. (added the next day): Hunger seems to have had something to do with it. I felt better after dinner. Something else to try when I feel like I want a drink. But I do also feel like I want my peace-and-quiet back. Funny how once upon a time I was worried that living alone would make me feel lonely, and so far that seems to be the least of my problems.
Also ... the next time I tell you that all my anxiety seems to have gone away miraculously, it will pay you to wait a week and then check back in with me to see if I'm still saying the same thing.
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