I've noticed something when I meditate these days. I used to feel a kind of anxiety that I took to be perfectly normal because it had always been there ... a tightness in the chest. (Now that I look back at earlier posts I realize that what I have described before is an anxiety in my head. That's interesting ... both, then? Have to think about it.) Anyway, the reason I mention it is that I haven't been able to find it lately. It is almost as if I misplaced it somewhere.
As for the anxiety in the back of my head that induced me to drink, ... I think I have mentioned that lately I haven't felt as much compulsion to drink. (See e.g. here or here.) This week while the boys have been staying with Wife I have had a drink or two with supper, just before going to bed. But whenever I have thought about drinking earlier in the evening it has felt like something awful -- in other words, I don't look forward to it, but just decide to have some at the very last minute. Maybe it's because I'm going to bed late, and I'm actually just sleepy.
I don't have anything profound to say about any of this. It's not like I suppose that any major changes are at work beneath the surface. It's just kind of strange that a feeling which I am so used to, which I just assume is naturally there, ... isn't. It's not like I feel especially different, though -- at least not in any other way, and I don't really notice even that way unless I pay very close attention.
I don't know ... it's odd.
The Century of the Other
1 day ago
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