My brother is getting married!

Last night at dinner, Wife and Son 2 told me that my brother had called a couple days ago -- my baby brother in his mid-forties, the rock musician in the family -- with the news that he and his long-term girlfriend are getting married. (Maybe I'll call her A, for now at least.) I was a little bit surprised, but only because they have been together so very long by now that I figured if they were ever going to have any interest in marriage they would have tied the knot long since. Certainly I have no qualms about the match -- A is a lovely and gracious woman, and the two of them are plainly devoted to each other. Wife says she offered to help sew a wedding gown if they wanted her help. Privately I thought this was a hilarious idea, because Wife's taste and A's are so different they might as well have come from different planets. But be that as it may.

All the same, I have found myself feeling a little odd about the whole thing as I have mulled it these last twenty-four hours. I want to be straightforwardly happy for them, really I do. I am fond of them both. And yet ... I guess it is just poor timing, because I feel so down about my own marriage. I guess I have just extended that gloom to the point that I have started feeling ambivalent about marriage as such. That has to be it. And of course I know that's crazy. I still think marriage is fine for most people, ... don't I? I still think marriage works fine for, ... ummm, ... the people for whom it works fine. Right? And I don't want to let my own rainclouds shower on their parade.

I passed the news on to D, and she was disturbed about something altogether different. For her it rekindled her anxieties about "Hosea's family will never accept me." She wrote:

I am delighted that Brother and A are planning on getting married. I know you wish them every happiness.

Bump! I so often feel like this when you discuss your family, which is why I am so reluctant to say anything. First, I don't want to seem like I'm criticizing anyone because I don't understand anything well enough to critique it, and second, what I do read about seems to indicate a much higher degree of family unity than sometimes you acknowledge...or --gosh--I haven't got a clue. That's it... I am totally in the dark. Can you walk me through some of this? I'm trying to imagine anyone in my family telling my husband something as important as "I'm getting married" before telling me. Or really talking to him at all beyond pleasantries. And everyone loves my husband in my family. But they call to talk to me.... I somehow thought your family did not have a close relationship with Wife, but I appear to be wrong. My family also knows the rough outline and status of my relationship with my husband and they are all sympathetic and discreetly supportive. You may have mentioned a planned separation from Wife to your father, but I have yet to hear that you have ever discussed with either parent, even in the most rudimentary way, the true relationship you have had with Wife for years. Brother seems to know nothing.

I'll be honest; if it was anyone but you, I'd say that something isn't right here. What I do know is that I cannot imagine myself ever being introduced as your ....girlfriend? Friend? The Hosea family unit seems to include Wife permanently and I would have no place. I'm trying to imagine my husband offering to do something for my family as intimate as sewing a wedding gown. I'm drawing a blank, and I'm feeling very insecure. I guess that's all right...it doesn't really change anything but it seems strange to me. I can't imagine not wanting my family to know about you; two of my brothers already do and I have left the door wide open for the rest of my family to learn the same.

Wife always maintained that your loyalty and unshakable commitment to family and vows made it impossible for you to be less than a gentleman when it came to talking about anyone in your most intimate circle. I wonder if she is correct. It's admirable, but it leaves no possibility for a more substantial place for me in your life.

I've never wanted to be part of your infidelity bloggers network, but today, I might ask them what they thought. I'm just completely confused.

Gosh, I hadn't looked at it that way at all. I was moping for my own reasons, totally unrelated to that stuff. But I, too, found it a bit strange that I had heard in such a roundabout way. So I sent Brother a quick e-mail congratulating him but also asking whether I had in fact gotten the news right.

I heard back in less than half an hour. Yes, the news was right. He also explained how the news had travelled, and the story makes complete sense. Brother is also about the only person I know to insert footnotes into an e-mail ....

Thank you! It is true! I had sort of intended* to tell everybody last time we were all together, but never quite found the time when everybody was in the same vicinity. Then we ended up telling Mom and Dad later that night. Then Dad mentioned it to Son 1, who I thought I heard told you. (Perhaps not.) So, I decided to call your house a couple days ago just to actually speak about it “personally” rather than by proxy! I don’t remember if I asked Wife to tell you, but anyway I already thought you knew (see above). Anyway, it’s now been quite a few weeks since I proposed (yes, she accepted), I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to getting around to making sure everybody knows. I probably should have called everybody on the same day. Maybe next time!**

Anyway, we haven’t decided on when or where, but we’re pretty sure about who, which is what matters first and foremost. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounded good for a while, but not anymore. I didn’t want to become her 50-year-old boyfriend I guess. Of course, what we do day in and day out is basically the same, and we had said things about “forever” and so on before, but it just feels a bit different and nicer to be clear about it....

Thank you so much for the wishes. We’ll talk soon (Thanksgiving?) and we can reconnect then.

Cheers,
Brother

* “Sort of intended” -- therein lay the problem.
** Joke.

I forwarded this story on to D,but I haven't heard back from her yet. I don't know how she will respond. Me, I'm still feeling funny about how funny I feel ... or something like that. I'm not quite sure, actually.